Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Offensive Parenting

Not Uh-ffensive as "meaning to offend," but Ah-ffensive as "opposite of defense." I normally pride myself in the latter when it comes to parenting. I try and have lunch ready before they ask for it, baths run before they anticipate it, and pajamas ready before they know what hit them. Anyway, just recently, I fell into defense mode. I'm not sure at what point the kids created their game plan but the end result was a shutout on their part.

20 minute Play by Play:
* Get all the kids out of the van from running errands
* I place Princess in her high chair and give her some (store brand) rice chex to snack on until I can fix her lunch.
* Big Sticky climbs into the pantry, he also wants cereal for lunch.
* I throw a Hot Dog into the microwave for Little Sticky.
* On the way to get Big Sticky a bowl, I realize Little Sticky has gone back out to the garage.
* While in the garage convincing Little Sticky that it is too hot to ride his Gator and that he needs to come in for lunch, I hear china clammering and the microwave beeping in the kitchen.
* After running back in the house I find Big Sticky on a step stool that he has taken from the hall bath and is climbing onto the counter to get his own bowl, "No, No, No" I say.
* Little Sticky has followed me back into the house, I remind him for the 1000th time that we close the door when we go in and out.
* I pull the hotdog out and start cutting it into pieces.
* Big Sticky states that he needs his milk for his cereal.
* Crunch! Upon approach to the table, I step on a piece of cereal that Princess has thrown onto the floor.
* "Mommy I want some OJ" exclaims Little Sticky.
* He opens the "plastic" drawer, pulls out, and then drops the entire stack of sippy cups. OUCH! as they land on the bone on the top of my foot.
* I start to pour Little Sticky some OJ. "NO, I want to do it!" he exclaims as he tries to pull the carton from my hands.
* I reach for the wipes to clean up the spilled OJ.
* By this time Big Sticky wants another bowl of cereal. He tries to pour it himself and surprisingly misses the bowl.
* I go into the pantry to retrieve the dust pan and small broom to clean up *all* the cereal off the floor.
* "Down, down, down" I yell at Little Sticky who has now climbed onto the coffee table with his sippy cup.
* Big Sticky reminds me he needs more milk in his bowl.
* Back to the fridge for more milk.
* Princess starts crying. She is ready for her lunch, pl-ease!!
* I mix up her oatmeal and grab her jar of peas.
* I ask Little Sticky to sit down and eat his lunch. "I don't want to eat." he claims then jumps on a push car that I had "hidden" for a consignment sale.
* Big Sticky is finished eating and jumps up to push his brother.
* Round and round they go while I feed sister.
* The joy ride ends when Little Sticky spills onto the floor and starts crying.
* I quickly put down Princess' bowl to take Little upstairs and place him in sisters jail cell to lock him up crib for a nap.

* When I come back downstairs, Princess has completely excavated her bowl, the contents now in her hair, eyelashes, and nose.
* I clean Princess, change her diaper and lie her down in the pack-n-play in the former office switched to playroom.
* I realize I haven't seen Big Sticky since I took Little Sticky upstairs. I find him in the bathroom. "Mommy, I need some privacy please." Know what that means, I'll be back to check on him shortly.
* Sister is now up and crying. Really? It hasn't been 5 minutes. I can smell why she is crying. I pull her out and change her business. Lie her back down.
* Head back to the bathroom to check on Big Sticky and make sure he is "clean."
* Walk him upstairs for "quiet time." Turn on his TV to Noggin, and get him under the covers.
* Back downstairs, I finally sit down at the island to edit some photos for a friend. Realize I forgot to put the milk back in the fridge. Crunch! I obviously missed a piece of cereal when I swept earlier.
* At least all is quiet... for the next 20-30 minutes or so... Uh-oh. Only seconds later I hear Big Sticky coming down the stairs, his easily identifiable cadence on the hardwood risers, already?
* "Mom-my, can I have some straaw-berries, pl-ease?"

Game Over, Final Score
Kids: 36, Mommy: 0

1 comment:

  1. I am totally laughing out loud right now! Thanks for sharing.